My list of Insanity

Here is my own list of insane things to do:
1) Run down the hall of the animal shelter ...singing at top level voice - "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT"......
2)When the barber/hairdresser wets your hair for a trim...you yell....OH MY GOD THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH!!!!
3) Cut in front of the kids in line to see Santa and yell.... YOU PROMISED MY SON A 50 PIECE TRAIN SET AND SINCE I AM PAYING ALIMONY AND UNEMPLOYED, YOU BETTER DELIVER.....
4) When walking by a priest...start talking to yourself saying things like....."I said cut it out SATAN!!!!!"
5)When the Jehovah Witness come to the door looking for money, break out into Janet Jackson's "What have you done for me lately?"
6) When the bailiff asks you to put your right hand on the bible and and asks you to swear to tell the truth...you say.."F--k yes"
7) When the homeless squeegie your windshield ask him to check the oil too....speed off before he has a chance to answer....
8) When the cop asks you how much your were speeding, you say..."I am sorry that your radar gun is not working properly."
9) When the butcher points to the ticket machine and says "Take one"...uproot the whole machine and walk out of the store.
10) Start dancing around like you have to go...when the cashier is scanning your groceries...and then when it looks like you cannot hold it any more...give her an item that she will need a price check on.

70's Show Part 2

I thought I would look at two more shows from the seventies:

Charlie's Angels: Now all the girls that are reading it are saying "WATCH IT..." but let's look at the facts. I think of all the girls, the Kate Jackson character might have made a cop. But overall, come on. These girls take one Tai Kwon Do lesson, are given a gun and then are told something like "You girls are now cops but you now work for me Charlie...". Can you say pimp?
Here is the formula for the show that always bothered me. There is always a villain and most of the time it was a guy because you can never pass up the opportunity to watch a woman kick the guy in balls for a good laugh. The women always hung out like sisters and could never have meaningful relationships with men. They were either villains or unfortunately for them ...they were shot. But that is ok because the sisters got each other. The other part of the formula which is disturbing is that always at the end, there is always laughter and joking with Charlie speaking through that speaker box. Since every episode usually results in some death by the villain, the angels always seem to laugh it off at the end. The only man in that show that never gets harmed and is always visible is Bosley. You know that if Bosley had his way, he would be shacking up with any one or all of the angels at the same time! The angels know this and they tease and flirt with Bosley sometimes to get what they want..and always with nothing substantial in return. If you ask me, with all that Bosley has gone through with the angels...he should have gotten some action in return. Instead, he is treated like the older sister and is never quite seen as a man's man. Sorry, Bosley, angels only sleep with men who get shot and killed!

Roadrunner and Wild E Coyote: This cartoon has been seen by millions and millions of kids over the past forty years. I watched it in the seventies and it is amazing how entertainment does not provoke any real thought when watching it. Here we have the Wild E Coyote, possibly the most cunning, innovative and most intelligent predator ever to have lived. The coyote must have Club Acme points because he orders everything under the sun from that company. The ironic thing is that he orders everything from bird seed to nuclear arsenals....why can he not order out...or get delivery??
Let's look at his meal. Well, there is hardly anything to look at...there not much food for the roadrunner to provide the coyote. He would have to catch at least 5 or 6 roadrunners to have a proper meal but he cannot even catch one! Sylvester the cat has more of my votes as a predator because at least he has taken tweetie and shoved him down his throat before being beaten to a pulp to cough Tweetie up. I don't think the Coyote has even touched the real Roadrunner! I always find it amazing that both the Coyote and the Roadrunner always use the roads in the desert. It is always the Coyote who pays the price. Now, the Coyote has been trying so long to catch the Roadrunner ...what would happen if he actually caught him? Most would think that there would be the instant meal but some might say SEX and then the meal.
I find the Roadrunner is fearless beyond stupidity. I mean you watch a two ton stone flatten your mortal enemy and the next day, he is back to chasing you? I would be scared. Can anything actually kill this Coyote? He keeps on coming. If I was the Roadrunner I would be so out of the desert because this Coyote seems to have 125 lives. Why does the Roadrunner always beep when there is no one in front of him....everything important is always behind him....do you think they really hear that BEEP BEEP? Quite the extensive vocabulary he has too. Two words over and over again. If I were the Coyote I would get myself to a St. Hubert's BBq restaurant. They have the picture of the Roadrunner on the sign and you can go in and get a good meal of Chicken (roadrunner's cousin)and not have to worry about the dangers of dynamite, falling off a cliff or an oncoming truck that will hit you at the last minute.
BEEP BEEP......

70's & 80's Tv Shows Part 1

I like to ramble on about those successful seventies tv shows. Why is it that we look back on these shows with fond memories but groan when we actually get to see them again? Worse, we never thought about anything rationally when we watched these shows:

Murder, She Wrote: Angela Lansbury was already quite old when she started doing this show and with the odd made-for-tv movie, she is still at it - solving murders without all of her faculties at full capacity. If you think about it, can you ever really wonder how this woman remained sane? Every two bit cousin she ends up visiting either gets murdered or gets involved in a murder. How can one stay happy and upbeat when everytime you go on a holiday or even when you are not, there is a murder. This woman should have ended up in some sanitarium!! If I was one of her relatives, I would definitely put her off from visiting me. No thank you, umm...murders seem to follow you wherever you go. Every show has to have a murder. Someone has to pay. Otherwise, the show might have to be temporarily changed to "Attempted Murder, She wrote." Think of it. There are about 30 episodes a season in about a nine-month period for the seasons. I don't think your average policeman sees that much crime and if he does...he puts in for time off and in a hurry. The formula for this show got so tiring they should have renamed it "Murder, she wrote, rewrote, rewrote and rewrote yet again." One more thing about Jessica...she gives these disapproving looks after the true identity has been revealed. It is that shaking of the head at the very end of the show. It is always the second last scene because the last scene is where she gets happy again and the world is once again happy for her as she trots off to her next murder.

Columbo: Why is it that Columbo always has those amazing puzzling cases in which there is only one suspect involved? Do people in California not work in groups? He does not seem to be able to cope with more than one suspect. How would he do if he were to play a game of clue? "I can't handle this ...too many people doing too many things..." I find it amazing that the villains who are usually rich and extravagent are so resourceful and motivated to kill once but display extreme patience with a nagging, pesty lieutenant. I mean it does not take a rocket scientist to get away with killing Columbo! You have your choice of exploding cigars or some easy tinkering with his clunker of a car that he drives. How about setting up Columbo by informing his wife (whom we never get to see)about some fictitious nocturnal activities? His wife knows how he thinks and if anyone can get away with the perfect murder, it would be Ms. Columbo!

Father Dowling: A program whereby a Catholic priest ends up solving crimes. First of all, maybe Father did not have the right career path in mind when he chose to be a priest and not a detective. Where was he when all of those priest child molesters were out there doing their thing? Also, if I were a criminal, I could easily neutralize Father Dowling if he were on my tail. All I would have to do is get him in the confession box and then I would be getting Priest parishioner confidentiality.
I would have like to have seen the premise for this show differently. The plot line goes something like this...Richie Cunningham's father kills his mother and then joins the priesthood to solve the crime! In the end, he strikes a bargain with the Church to remain a priest for his penance and all is forgiven!"

Hardy Boys: Two twenty something teen idols go back to playing teens and try to solve crimes that 10 year olds can figure out. After all when we were ten, we read most of the books. I don't remember much else except all the girls going ga ga over Shaun Cassidy and then some feeling sorry for Parker Stevenson being left out. It destroyed my image of the Hardy boys. I read the books and on the cover were these clean cut boys from the fifties. All of a sudden on the show, they all have long hair and are almost hip. What happened? Did they pass Woodstock on the way to solving some of their cases?

Six Million Dollar Man: This show caused me and all of my friends to battle it out in slow motion in the school yard. Of course if we were mean, we would speed up the punching part .... I was always amazed at how he could hold down a heavy helicopter without it lifting him up....did he have super graviton energy in his legs? Question: if you are running at 70mph and you only have one bionic arm...would that not throw you off kilter and cause you to wipe out thereby needing more surgery? They should have ripped of his surviving arm and given him two bionic arms for equilibrium. It is a good thing they did not give him a bionic penis...everytime he would see a pretty woman....whack...his woody...actually a metally would burst through any clothing and he would immediately get a bionic cuff from his bionic wife. Of course she would need a bionic vagina because of all the potential damage he could do.

That is all for now....will do some more later....bye!

Italian Vs Anglo Part 1

Since I have dated some Italian women, I have been struck by the different culture clash between Italian/Greek families and Anglo families. The obvious area to start here is the weddings. Here are some examples of the differences:

The Italian family:
Groom to be: Oh my gosh, how many people are coming to our wedding? 350? This is going to be so expensive.
Bride to be: Whataya worryin bout? All our cousins are coming and they donate money AND chip in for a present. Not only are we gonna make money of this wedding...we will have some leftover to put on the house...on top of the money our parents are going to give us. And what are ya doin..we have to plan the engagement party...same hall, same dj, same food, same setup (slaps groom to be in the back of the head). This usually ends up with the groom giving up his last input as an authority of the family.

The Anglo family:
Bride to be: (crunching numbers on the adding machine): This wedding is going to be very expensive. We are going to have to cut down on the meal (Italians recoiling in horror)and go with the synthetic chicken, the disgusting salad and the one glass of wine for a toast. That way we can invite more people. Let's see if it affects the price if we take the dessert out. No wait...dessert is our Wedding cake....hmmmm....Here is something that can help....CASH BAR...(Italians again recoiling in horror) what do you think?
Groom to be: (Checking his wallet) I don't know....hey ..wait a minute. Isn't it customary that the father of the bride pays for the wedding?
At this point, the atmosphere either goes frigid or usually the wedding plans conclude in a very abrupt manner.

Regular Dinner at the House

The Italian family:
Italian Mother: I got to go to the supermarket and get all the food for tonight's supper. I need the pasta, the salad, the meat, and the dessert. Oh and at least three bottle of wine. Oh my God! I forgot Louis was coming to dinner tonight...I will have to buy double (this is usually for a family of 5).
(At the dinner) Italian Mother: Eat Eat Eat ...manga manga manga....
The mother never says much more during the dinner conversation - she is too busy serving and saying Eat Eat Eat....
Many Italian families make far too much food ...far beyond what anyone could eat in three days let alone one sitting. Of course, as loving as the mother is feeding her children,failing to see the irony, she will turn to her loved ones and say "Mio Dio, why are you so fat?" The house would be burning down and she would say "Manga first, then you can leave." She would be last out of the burning house because "mio dio I cannot leave without these pots and pans so dirty!!!"

The Anglo family
Anglo Mother (preparing a meal): "Let's see...Michael will eat two pieces of chicken, John will eat only one, Mary will have half, Sue will have another half and Steve will eat one ..or will he eat two? Nah, he is going to eat one tonight. Oh and I will have half...wait a sec...hmm well I will have one and if I can't eat it, I will give Steve my other half."
Sometimes the anglo mother will have miscalculated or someone will unexpectedly show up for dinner. The anglo mother never panics - she will simply redistribute the portions she has and then will announce to everyone...."fill up on bread!" That is the code word for "I didn't make enough-fend for yourselves!" It would not be unusual to see some of the anglo family sneeking off to McDonald's afterwards.

I will end this segment right here so if you need more - "Fill up on bread"