The Price Of Gas

Most talk around the water coolers these days is the endless bitching about the gas prices. Everybody on the planet is talking about it. You would think if you were the CEO of a gas company, you would be nervous to get out and walk the street. But as much as the average person complains about it, he feels there is nothing he can do about it. Part of the problem here is no one has any idea where to go to protest the gas hikes. You can't go to your local gas station to protest because no one of any importance is there. "I am just a cog in the wheel." says the owner. "I just pump the gas." says the attendant. It's true, the local people cannot really do much to change the overall picture.
So, what do we do as people? We curse to ourselves and to others about how unfair it is and then we go to the pumps and ACCEPT it. Walt Disney must have got the idea for Goofy from dopes like us..."Ahew Ahew...gas prices gone up again....guess I will have to pay more...Ahew ahew." The oil companies see this and they say "..HEY... we can raise the price to $1.00/litre and they will not revolt. Let's try for $1.20..oh wait a minute ..there is a bit of an uproar...bring it down to $1.05 and then after a week...back to $1.20. Let's start a rumour....up to $2.00...oh boy everyone is panicking....bring it down to 1.35 and....hey no one is complaining...next week let's see if we can get away with $1.50." And so, on and on that cat and mouse game goes. It becomes quite evident that Mr. Consumer is in fact Mr. Hostage.
There is a way for the consumer to get back but it would take some help from the media. The problem with the oil companies, is that there is no figure head or anyone in particular to protest against. If you are unhappy with the government and you know who heads it, you usually round up a possee and head to wherever his office is. This should be the same for the oil companies. We need to find the son of a bitch who is the CEO for let's say Shell Canada. We plaster his name and photo in the newspapers and television. We find out where he lives and after two weeks of protesting his house, office, barber and mistress' place, guess what ....the oil prices are coming down.....75cents/litre. We don't need to protest with all of the CEO's at the same time but we can pick one at random to keep the other ones on their toes. "Oh shoot, they're coming to my offices....drop the f****** prices!!! Drop the f****** prices!
The real solution is to bring these people who are gouging the working Joe out in the public eye so everybody can see who exactly is gouging them. Yeah, I know about foreign ownership and all that crap but it works so well when we burn the local boy in effigee because it brings out the Canadian nationalism in all of us.
So now that my proposal is all set up, all we have to do now is set up a little research to find those that are wanted and then set up the possee and have ourselves a grand old witching party. Gas hikes will then be a thing of the past. It's a whole lot better than being Goofy which the public now is.

The Creation of the Unicorn

Since I was on the topic of Noah and his arc, I wanted to talk about the unicorn. The Irish Rovers sing about the unicorn but where did it really come from? Here is my theory:
There was a boy in school who had to wear the dunce cap every day because he was slow. The other kids mocked him and every day without fail he had to wear the dunce cap.
One morning before school, he did a drawing of horses. On one horse, he drew a dunce cap on his head. "There, someone else has to wear it for a change," he said. Suddenly the sky opened up into a beautiful blue and the birds came out singing. The sun radiated a beautiful warmth worthy of a summer day. Even the ice cream truck made a surprise appearance. "Wow, what a beautiful January day", he said as he trotted off happily to face another day of humiliation and the ceremonial wearing of the dunce cap...

Religion Vs Rationalism

Any church goers out there? Do you ever go to church/synagogue and sit in the pews. You follow the readings, the sermon and the first thing that comes to your head is - "woa - I am not buying any of this!"
The preacher/Rabbi of course is the salesman. It is his duty to make sure that he gets you into that seat every Sunday or Saturday if you are Jewish. He is basically telling you that the readings which were written by human beings thousands of years ago pertain to us in this modern day. Come on, these people did not know how it was that the sun set and rose the next day. They had no idea that the earth was rotating and moving at the same time going around the sun. They never thought of a world with technology. Put one of those ancient writers on the subway platform and he will positively freak and shriek when he sees that subway come out of the dark cave. So it is very unlikely that his readings literally can pertain to us and how we live today. That is where our salesman comes in and he has a big challenge. "No," he says "it does not really mean that literally. You must look beyond the meaning to find a deeper meaning." I am thinking "yes and if you stare long enough into the clouds, you will see that giraffe head poking out of the Toyota Tercel on its way to the great parade in the sky."
One of the reasons why Christians mistreat the Jews is because they are actually saying "You dumb ass, you missed the messiah and he was right under your big nose!" The torture for the Jews doesn't stop..."We are going to rub it in by turning Christmas into the biggest holiday of the year. We are going to get as many bright candles and lights...our xmas tree outshines your menorah candle any day." Christians have the audacity to think that before Christmas, mankind was incapable of giving. The Jews in turn are perplexed with the Christians. They sort of think like this..."Why is it they preach peace and tolerance yet they keep coming after us!" I think they would say to Christians - "Look if you want to go and suffer go right ahead...don't get me involved..." They probably also say "Look we got the tablets from God from the mountain and there is definitely no Three for one or Three in One or one for all or any other muskateer slogan ok. Correct us if we are wrong - Jesus was one of us and if we didn't think he was God ...why would you? We did not kill him ...the Romans did and umm where is your church now...in Rome! Seems to us if you are going to punish the descendants of the real perpetrators you have to go to Italy and not Israel."
Back to our preacher/priest/rabbi, they have to figure out new ways of interpreting an old text. Because everyone wants to know how Noah got every single animal in twos from the insects to the Rhinos on his ship. I mean you have to have cages in a zoo but what about a moving vessel? They didn't make vessels like "The Love Boat" because if they did, Noah's people would be partying it up like they did when Moses left them to get the commandments. "We need more space..dump those two unicorns overboard...no one is going to miss them anyways." But you know what...no matter how much you question...the priest/rabbi always has an answer. That answer is something that you can never really reply to. "Son that is one of God's great miracles." In most cases, we say "Wow" and the magic show continues. But the show does not really continue because the content of the show gets scrutinized and people looking and digging for clues of what really happened become disenchanted and move away. The amazing thing is that organized religion cannot adapt. To adapt will have meant to have been wrong about something in the first place. Can you see that now?

The Christian confession: "Well no one really saw him being put in the tomb and no one really saw him resurrect. Nobody really knows about his mom being the perpetual virgin. Sorry about that. The Jews did not kill Jesus. We regret any inconvenience this may have caused you Jews in the last two thousand years. Sorry."

The Jewish Confession: "We do not have a clue about how or why God made us the chosen people. Maybe we misheard Him saying we were the chosen people to be picked on. We really are sorry but we did lose count of all the begatting that was going on and the best thing we have to back up our stories is a great word of mouth system. We were the best at the broken telephone game."

Rationalism and religion do not go hand in hand. I have not even touched on Islam yet but having faith in something really does require you not to think but to accept and belief so that the preacher/rabbi will have his job next week.

The Emmy Awards

Well I saw the Emmy Awards last night and at best I thought it was ok. Ellen DeGeneres was the host and we might as well have been watching her own show. I was hoping for more comedy and more entertainment from a show that is honouring all the best shows on television.
In this world of thousands of cable channels, I was struck by the many winning shows I have never seen much less heard of. Speaking of which, I saw a commercial expressing outrage that Corner Gas was not nominated for an Emmy. I wiped my brow with relief and said "Thank God...um I mean yeah the outrage...the outrage". I expect Canadians to be leading a protest march to Parliament Hill to express how cheated and ripped off they felt.
I can also express my disappointment that Car 55 was not selected...or the brilliant comic writings of Air Farce that will keep Canadians groaning into the next century.
I think the Emmy board of governors should go out and hire the writers of the hit shows so that the quality will be consistent with the entertainment being honoured. It is like I would have to go to my elementary school to pick up my Bachelor of Arts degree with all those kids in kindergarten looking on.
Maybe we should open up the Emmy's to the world so that we get truly the best of the best. I would rather see that than see 2 1/2 men being the next big thing. Sorry Charlie...Emmy's only want comedy with great taste....

The Skeletal Model

Have you ever noticed that the media likes to project the woman with the skin and bones as beautiful and attractive? I have a question. Where are all the reubenesque models? Why do these calorie depraved models project to us need to "super size" themselves with their meals? I mean they make the stick cartoons look obese.
Why do they get all the attention in the media. Is it because magazines save on photograph space? Maybe they save on clothing material (you only need a few threads!). Society seems fixed on them and give them lots of exposure. If they had a big meal it would probably show. In any case, these models become role models of all young women and many of them strive to starve themselves to look like these living skeletons.
Alcoholics go to the Betty Ford Clinic. I propose starting a Get Fat Farm for these models. We send them on a bus to the farm...they have to down a strawberry shake and beef jerky before they can leave the bus..
They then get to the Get Fat Farm where they laze around their room eating chips and coke while watching three hours of TV. Dinner consists of a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken for each model...followed by 2000 calorie Sundae float with the carbonated drink of their choice. Breakfast will include Bacon, Eggs, Sausage smothered in corn syrup. This treatment will go on for at least two weeks until all the eating habits have drastically changed. Models who secretly abstain from food will be force-fed and weighed.
We await the new models and look forward to the resulting learning curve!

Martha Stewart and the Judicial System

Martha Stewart has given hope to all kinds of criminals and convicts hoping to get out of prison and start a new life.
The lady commits a criminal activity with her business. Rather than fight it out, she volunteers to go to prison to serve out her term. In doing this she fosters a whopping media buzz that follows her every move in jail. Upon her release, she is richer and bigger than ever with her own tv show(s)and her company is doing better than ever.
Whatever happened to those days when we shunned those who have committed crime? Right here in Canada, we got a glimpse of the good old days with Karla Homulka who was released from prison and continues to be hounded by the media. Unlike Ms. Stewart, Homulka does not have a tv show and probably will never live a normal life due to the constant media scrutiny and the severity of her crimes.
Back to Stewart, what does it say about the judicial system when a person can actually benefit from going to prison? Did Martha really pay a price for breaking the law? Martha's price is a heavy one. She has committed to show us how we should be tending to our garden, how to get the best out of homecare because you never know when you will have to leave it behind to go to prison. The legal system was kind enough that she accepts a humble monetary remuneration for all the hard laborious work.
We forget the crime bit because Martha already pleaded guilty. Upon forgetting that we applaud the resilience of her spirit -- "Thank you Martha, you are my hero."
On the other end of the scale, two other celebrities never learned Martha's secret for success. Two such losers are Michael Jackson and OJ Simpson. When was the last time you saw OJ Simpson in a movie? or any sort of media appearance? Everyone is either too scared of this murderer or they are unimpressed with his sleuthing work to find his wife's killers. Apparently there is a lot of evidence lying around at the various golf courses. Michael Jackson right now has enough "thriller" aura to excite an amoeba. If he is guilty of the alleged crimes, he will do a lot more screening of the kids he lets sleep in his bed. "Let's see...you have no parents or legal guardian? You have been deemed slower than average with no hope to become smarter? You don't have a clue who Michael Jackson is? Ok..hop in for bedtime!!!" Apart from making a morbid children's album, Mikey's top ten chart toppers are a thing of the past. The only press he will generate now is making appearances and producing more controversy like when he comes to Toronto, he can dangle one of his kids of the CN Tower while checking out the revolving restaurant.
Martha, please...talk to OJ and Michael and show them how its done and our ever fair judicial system will take care of the rest.

Internet Dating

The internet dating is a new and great way to meet people in the modern age. With all the info on the information superhighway, it is amazing how little information we actually want to concede when we make our profile. For example, a woman's profile
Height: 5'7
Weight: umm...I don't want to tell you.
Facial hair: Can't tell you that either!
What are you looking for: I am not sure...

Wow what a great clear description we have. Sometimes there is a photo and you never know if that photo is going to do that person justice when you really meet them. "I was expecting you to look more like Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 weeks not Kim Basinger in 90 1/2 years."

A lot of women have the same thing on their profile which leads me to believe that they either feel the same way or they are PLAGIARIZING each other. "I like taking long walks on the beach." How many times has that line been used? Of course in Mexico where the women are sometimes angrier - "I like to take long walk on da bitch". Suddenly that accent takes on a whole different meaning.

I read a lot of ..."I am looking for someone to make me laugh". What am I? An entertainment centre? Don't you have cable? Ever heard of the COMEDY NETWORK? If so many women are out there looking for comics, maybe Yuk Yuks should be the new meat market. Of course, there is my personal favourite, "if you are looking for sex, move on to the next..." - I never get the next word because I am on to the next profile. Well I mean if she is looking to date a monk then that would justify her putting that disclaimer in there.

Another favourite of mine - "Are There Any Nice Guys Out There? Hundreds of horny college guys are screaming at their computer - "NO!" These women get frustrated because they fall for the same cliche and myths. "I am looking for my soulmate". Most guys are not thinking about that. They are looking for sex and possibly staying with someone who won't nag their asses when they want to watch football all afternoon instead listening to "what needs to be done." So what type of men do these cliched women attract. Believe it or not, there are men out there who respond to these profiles - poor and desperate pakistanis looking to get into the country by being sponsored only to collect on welfare and ditch their asses when they find out about the many advantages of d-i-v-o-r-c-e.

I am sure guys are not much more interesting with their internet profiles. Would it not be great if everyone were just honest. "Hi my name is Keith and I am looking to get laid. My hobbies are burping, farting and getting laid. My occupation is a minimum wage job which allows me to daydream about how to get laid. I am 35 years old and I still live with my parents. I am looking for big boobs, someone sexy (or both)or if I drink a lot ....anyone! My ambition is to write the perfect one line in which the result will get me laid." Honesty is so attractive isn't it?

Of course at the other end, is the person who is too honest and wants to surrender and unleash on you every bad thing that ever happened. "Well I got on drugs when I was 14 and my teacher impregnated me and then ...." Whoa...stop right there...I guess we could classify that under "too much information".

I would love to see some interesting profiles that are off the wall...those are the ones worth reading. "I am an Elephant pooper scooper in the circus...so I see enough shit already!" "The male praying mantis cannot copulate until it is beheaded by the female...I hope you don't lose either of your heads with me." How about ..." I am looking for the Elephant Man...I want to look at your penis and say...How do you breathe through that thing." "The last man I dated was a giant and he left some clothes behind...therefore looking for a man with big fingers, big feet and what the hell...big nose!" "I am looking for dishonesty...I want my Pinnochio to lie to me every night!" And so the battle contnues - women marketing themselves as wholesome beings with the cliched romantic wishes and men looking for the more trashier profiles that would make the humpback whale straighten out for the big climax.